Why am I like this? This is a question I ask myself almost every day.. It’s like a shadow that follows me around, lurking quietly in the corners of my mind, waiting for a moment of stillness to emerge and consume me. There are days when I feel like I’m trapped in a loop of thoughts, emotions, and memories, and no matter how much I try to escape, I end up right back where I started. It’s exhausting, and sometimes I wonder if there’s even a way out.
I think back to the moments when I felt completely lost, like I was drowning in an ocean with no shore in sight. I’ve tried to pinpoint the exact moment when things started to go wrong, but it’s never that simple, is it? Life isn’t a straight line with clear markers to show us where we made a wrong turn. It’s a tangled mess of choices, circumstances, and emotions that intertwine in ways we can’t always understand. And yet, I can’t help but wonder if I’m the one who let it all spiral out of control.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve been carrying a weight on my shoulders for as long as I can remember. It’s not something you can see or touch, but it’s always there, pressing down on me. It’s the weight of expectations, of mistakes, of disappointments—mine and others’. It’s the feeling of not being good enough, of failing to meet the standards I’ve set for myself or that others have set for me. And no matter how much I try to push it away, it’s always there, a constant reminder of everything I’ve done wrong.
I’ve often wished I could go back in time and start over. I’ve imagined what it would be like to have a clean slate, to erase all the mistakes and regrets, to be someone different. However, that isn’t how life operates, is it? We don’t get to hit the reset button and start over. We have to live with the choices we’ve made and the consequences that come with them. And that’s what makes it so hard. Because no matter how much I want to move forward, I feel like I’m stuck in the past, replaying the same moments over and over again.
There are days when I’m overwhelmed by the fear of failure. It’s not just about failing at something specific, like a job or a relationship. It’s the fear of failing at life itself, of not being able to figure out who I am or what I want. It’s the fear of never being able to escape this cycle of self-doubt and insecurity. And the worst part is, I’m not even sure where this fear comes from. It’s like it’s always been there, lurking in the background, waiting for the right moment to strike.
I’ve tried to talk to people about how I feel, but it’s not always easy. Sometimes I worry that they won’t understand, or worse, that they’ll judge me. So I keep it all inside, burying my feelings under a facade of normalcy. I pretend that everything is fine, even when it’s not. I smile and laugh and go through the motions, but deep down, I’m struggling. And the more I try to hide it, the heavier it feels.
There are moments when I feel completely alone, even when I’m surrounded by people. It’s not that they don’t care or that they’re not there for me. It’s that I don’t know how to let them in. I don’t know how to share the parts of myself that I’m ashamed of, the parts that I’m still trying to understand. So I build walls around myself, hoping to protect myself from getting hurt, but all it does is make me feel more isolated.
I’ve often wondered if I’m the only one who feels this way. But deep down, I know I’m not. I know there are others out there who are struggling, who are asking themselves the same questions, who are trying to find their way in a world that often feels overwhelming. And that gives me some comfort, knowing that I’m not alone in this. But it also makes me wonder why we don’t talk about it more. Why do we feel the need to hide our struggles, to pretend that everything is okay when it’s not?
I think part of the reason why I’ve been feeling this way is because I’ve lost touch with myself. Somewhere along the way, I stopped listening to my own voice and started letting the noise of the world drown it out. I’ve been so focused on trying to meet other people’s expectations, on trying to fit into a mold that was never meant for me, that I’ve forgotten who I am. And now, I’m not even sure how to find my way back.
There are times when I’ve tried to make changes, to take small steps toward a better version of myself. But it’s not easy. Change is hard, and it’s scary. It means stepping out of my comfort zone, facing my fears, and confronting the parts of myself that I’d rather ignore. And there are moments when it feels like too much, like I’m not strong enough to handle it. But I also know that if I don’t try, I’ll never know what’s possible.
I’ve come to realize that restarting my life doesn’t mean erasing the past or becoming someone completely different. It means learning to accept myself for who I am, flaws and all. It means forgiving myself for the mistakes I’ve made and finding the courage to move forward. It means letting go of the things that are holding me back and embracing the person I want to become. And most importantly, it means being kind to myself, even on the days when it feels impossible.
I know it won’t happen overnight. I know there will be setbacks and challenges along the way. But I also know that I’m not alone in this journey. There are people who care about me, who want to see me succeed, who are willing to walk with me every step of the way. And even though it’s hard for me to ask for help, I’m starting to realize that it’s okay to lean on others when I need to.
As I sit here writing this, I’m filled with a mix of emotions. There’s sadness for the time I’ve lost and the opportunities I’ve missed. There’s fear for the unknown future that lies ahead. But there’s also hope, a small flicker of light that reminds me that it’s never too late to start over. And that hope is what keeps me going, even on the days when it feels like the weight of the world is too much to bear.
So why am I like this? I don’t know if I’ll ever have a clear answer to that question. But maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s not about finding a definitive answer, but about learning to live with the uncertainty and finding peace in the process. Maybe it’s about taking things one day at a time, trusting that each small step will lead me closer to where I’m meant to be. And maybe, just maybe, it’s about realizing that who I am right now, flaws and all, is enough.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that I want to make the most of it. I want to find joy in the little things, to surround myself with people who lift me up, to chase the dreams that set my soul on fire. I want to learn to love myself, not for who I think I should be, but for who I truly am. And most importantly, I want to keep moving forward, even when it feels impossible.
Because at the end of the day, I believe that we all have the power to rewrite our stories. We may not be able to change the past, but we can choose how we move forward. And that choice, no matter how small it may seem, is the first step toward creating a life that feels worth living. So here I am, taking that first step, unsure of what lies ahead but ready to find out. And that, I think, is enough.
